Wow. I really wanted to roll my eyes every time I heard “the second trimester will fly by” but it seems to be the only thing I have repeatedly read and heard about this period that is actually true! I finish this blog on my last week of the “honeymoon trimester” (truly f**k that saying by the way!!) and with a mild sense of rising panic because I have SO MUCH left to do.
I have struggled to choose between these overarching impressions of Trimester 2:
·- Lower your expectations
·- Trimester of the Twinge
– Women aren’t textbooks (who knew?!)
– Keep your unsolicited fucking opinion to yourself, thank you and goodnight
THE LIES WE ARE SOLD
The pregnancy apps I find really interesting to read, mainly about baby development and it’s fun to know what size vegetable they are currently! BUT, when it comes to the “your body” or “what to expect”, reading those just frustrated the life out of me. There is no “average” way to be pregnant, you cannot anticipate how you’re going to feel, or how much weight you’re expected to have gained that week, or whether you are going to feel horny or not. One thing I found particularly boiling my piss:
“Week 13: you’re probably feeling energised and more like your old self this week, enjoy that energy boost!”
Oh my goodness, how could they sell us such a lie! I still felt like shit most of the time up until around week 20, which I think was made worse by the fact that I was waiting and expecting to feel better. SO unhelpful! Let’s drop some truth bombs, things the apps SHOULD tell us:
– Regular bouts of nausea are still super common the whole way through the second trimester (although HG is definitely a different issue – and treatable! – speak to your GP)
– You are still going to feel tired a LOT of the time, if you’re lucky it’ll just be less tired than the first trimester
– Your body is changing rapidly and this means TWINGES and OTHER WEIRD SYMPTOMS galore!
– It’s going to take several weeks for you to work out how to manage all of the above whilst going about your daily life (which for most of us means looking after young children and/or working full time) – go easy on yourself!
Everything for me often felt super uncomfortable and alien. I can’t always call it “pain” – although I think this is a word we often attribute to a foreign and inexplicable discomfort without really thinking about it. I’ll cover just some of the weird and wonderful (generally uncomfortable) symptoms I had/am still having:
– Chest pain (severe!) whenever I sneeze
– Frequent nausea (whenever I get too hungry/haven’t been able to poo/need a nap)
·- Constipation – regular stool softener required
– Pain in my ribs and thoracic spine whenever I have to sit for too long (I have self-diagnosed a left sided T6/7 costovertebral joint dysfunction for anyone who cares) – gets really severe and is hard to ease once it’s there
– Bladder cramping very painfully whenever I wee sitting down (this one surprised me???)
– Low back discomfort, feeling tight
– Painful on my sacrum when lying on my back on floor (a regular part of my job lol)
– Painful twinges +++ around my lower abdomen and hips
– Random nosebleeds
– Increased sensitivity to travel sickness
I have explanations for every single one of these symptoms, and knowing why they are happening is obviously important and reassuring. But it doesn’t necessarily make it easier, and I just feel I was a little misled with what to expect, particularly as this is my first pregnancy.
Very disappointingly, I have had absolutely no change to my sex drive either! I’m envious of any woman that has a little libido kick, but again I was finding myself let down by unrealistic expectations set by the stupid “your pregnancy week by week”. I’m 100% sure I’m not the only one either, so ladies if you’re with me, it’s NOT you, IT’S THEM (the apps I mean – just to clarify, I’m sure your partners are sexy af).
I’m finding it harder to walk or stand still for as long as I could before, but I’m fine when I can regularly change position which means work is still perfectly manageable for me! I’ve taken up swimming because it’s totally comfortable and just feels so nice to really push myself with cardio fitness and not be in any discomfort. I do lots of stretching and rehab-style exercises (and of course pelvic floor) to maintain some strength, but despite my best intentions I have really not fancied getting in the gym (whereas before I loved a good gym workout). I’ll just accept what my body is telling me and look forward to getting back into the gym next year!
THE MENTAL LOAD
Being pregnant is a lot to think about and to manage on a daily basis. It’s absolutely OK to feel terrified, overwhelmed, sad and anxious. There were a few days that I felt completely paralysed by these feelings and I barely got out of bed, just cried it out. Luckily for me this was short-lived, but there is so much support out there if you find these feelings are more than fleeting.
I discussed in my first trimester blog that there is often a pressure to feel a certain way about being pregnant – #blessed, #grateful, #excited – and it absolutely does not make you a bad person or a shit mum if you don’t feel this way. End of.
From personal experience and from meeting hundreds of you lovely women I know that there is SO MUCH shaming and dealing with the fallout of other peoples (mostly uninformed) opinions on YOUR body and YOUR choices. I spoke a little about this on my Instagram stories and I had sooo many replies from people with similar stories – we constantly have to navigate conversations where we’re called fat, shamed about many of our choices, asked very personal and invasive questions; and for some unfathomable reason this is generally acceptable because when you’re pregnant! It’s like your body becomes public ownership – policing women’s bodies, level unlocked!
Let’s compile a little list shall we, and please feel free to share this – if you are thinking about saying any variation of the following, please send a message from your brain to your mouth to “shut the fuck up” before you do😊:
– OMG how much weight have you put on?
– You look tired
·- We used to hide our bumps [side eyes at the clothes I’m wearing]
– It’s definitely a [boy/girl], I can tell because [random negative comment on a part of your body]
– You think being pregnant is hard LOL JUST WAIT UNTIL THE BABY IS HERE
– You think you’re tired now LOL JUST WAIT UNTIL THAT BABY IS HERE you’ll never sleep again!
– Oh wow you’re MASSIVE! You’re HUGE! I can’t believe you’ve still got [x months] to go lololol how could you get any bigger!
– God you’re just as big as [some other, more pregnant person]
– Look at how BIG you are!
– Don’t get too fat!
– Is it twins?? Are you sure it’s not twins? [it’s not twins]
– Don’t worry about the weight gain, no one cares what you look like when the baby’s here
– Oh god my birth was horrific [proceeds to offload birth trauma], you won’t have any control over anything that happens so you should just forget about anything you want because that’s what happened to me
– Should you be eating/drinking that? [judgy looks]
– Should you be doing that? [judgy tone]
– I don’t think you should be lifting that, you’ll hurt the baby
– Did you know [insert random name] is back to a size 10 already!
– You know you’re not ACTUALLY MEANT to eat for two!
– Are there any names you like? [tells them a name] Oooh, not sure about that, I know a dog with that name
– You’ll never get your body back after the second one
– Wow you’re quite swollen aren’t you!
– I never saw you as a mum
– You’re quite small, you’ll probably struggle to give birth
– Are you sure there’s a baby in there?
These are all real-life examples. I have not made up a single one. And every single one can have (and probably has had) a profound effect on the recipient. It’s unlikely the person saying it has any malicious intent – but that is NOT THE POINT. When you’re pregnant you’re exposed to other people’s unsolicited opinions constantly and it’s genuinely exhausting, and the “not intended to be offensive” comments really stack up. These comments are throwaway to the person saying them but they stick to the target, who likely goes home and dwells on them, flinches and feels a gut punch the next time they hear a similar comment directed their way, slowly chipping away at their self-confidence. So next time you see a pregnant friend/relative/colleague – if you don’t have anything nice to say, keep it to your goddamn self because I guarantee she is already dealing with enough. It is NOT appropriate for you to constantly comment on someone’s body when they’re not pregnant, so why the fuck are you doing it now?
There is also a myriad of shithousery spewing uncontrollably from people’s mouths that we are exposed to post-natally, but I’m going to save that particular rant until the time comes for me and then we will get stuck right in (bet you can’t wait!).
THE CARE SYSTEM
I’ll warn you now: I’ve been working in healthcare for over a decade, I have seen and learnt A LOT. If you hadn’t worked out already, I don’t keep my strong opinions and feminist views to myself. I am a confident healthcare advocate for myself and my clients and I have a very low bullshit tolerance.
I believe most things (not just birth) are overly medicalised – AND the NHS is an amazing institution – BOTH THINGS can be true simultaneously! I’ve seen some horrific care, exceptional care, and everything in between. I listen to new birth stories every day, and the strength and resilience of women really never ceases to amaze me.
Taking all this into account, what strikes me the most during my experience of maternity care so far is this: nothing about it seems set up to empower women to make informed choices. I can give literally hundreds of examples, and I KNOW you all have your own. It is hard to say where this came from, but it is certainly not a new phenomenon.
Birth moved to hospitals and became “overseen” by doctors hundreds of years ago; it is instilled in us by every aspect of our society that childbirth is a painful and often traumatic experience. In the 1960’s, for instance, it was “standard” procedure to leave the woman labouring (strictly on her own) for hours with no pain relief, made to lie on her back and endure endless internal exams, perform routine episiotomy and forceps delivery – then the baby was taken off to a nursery to be cared for by a stranger and the mother spent 10 days in hospital and was restricted to strict twice daily “visiting hours” to her baby! OUR MOTHERS were these babies!! Terrifying.
Safe to say things have improved dramatically since then, and we are incredibly lucky that there is a more “humanistic” approach to maternity care now. Women absolutely HAVE choice; it’s just that this is often NOT OFFERED.
There are numerous tests and investigations that a “standard” part of antenatal care, that actually have very little evidence to support their use and do not correlate with better outcomes for mother & baby. As is common in healthcare, these can actually have the opposite effect. I am not here to lecture anyone on their choices, quite the opposite! My main bugbear is that CHOICE seems to be the one thing that a lot of women aren’t offered; there are assumptions made at every turn by healthcare providers and we assume this is in our best interests. In fact, to me it often seems that the system is set up to avoid claims of medical negligence as a first priority, improve outcomes for baby as a second, and the wellbeing of the mother is at the bottom of the list.
Growth scans are notoriously unreliable, yet they determine many women’s care pathways – but are you informed from the outset of the well documented 15%-20% margin of user error by the sonographer at your first scan? Before they start messing around with your due dates, telling you baby is “too small” or “too big”, do they take into account that you know exactly the date you conceived? Are you told that repeated growth scans often lead to more intervention, which is often unnecessary, or do you just go along with it because you assume if they’re suggesting it, it’s the best thing for you and the baby? Are we routinely informed of the well-documented risks that induction poses to the mother, or are the only risks we’re informed about include scary words like “shoulder dystocia” and “stillbirth”? Are we routinely informed of the unreliability of gestational diabetes testing before being offered the test? Are we always given the option to refuse investigations? Are you informed about the increased risk of prolapse with episiotomy / forceps and ventouse delivery prior to birth?
So many of the women I meet feel as though they were pressured into making decisions about their birth because their health professionals scared them into it. Sounds like coercion to me – which, by the way, is illegal. The only thing we can do is continue to inform ourselves, ask questions, make the right choice for you. To reiterate my point: nothing about the system seems set up to empower women to make informed choices. And it frustrates the life out of me.
PROS OF PREGGO
I should probably finish on a positive note because so far there’s been a lot of ranting (there’s so much to be pissed about!). But of course, there is a lot to be excited about too. The bigger things are obvious, there’s a baby at the end! But somehow even that just still doesn’t quite feel real to me. We have done next to no practical preparation for the actual arrival (just plans and research), but our Bump2baby antenatal classes start next month and I’m really excited to meet some people going through the same thing.
You never have to fight for a seat and people generally are more willing to do things like fetch you cold drinks and snacks 😊. I’m also learning a lot of good things about myself!
Baby movements are the best! I smile every time I feel the baby do anything. Even if it’s pressing on my bladder / sitting on my inguinal nerve. I am lucky that I already feel a lot of love for this baby. I can’t wait to smell it’s head! And cuddles obviously. And chonky lil thighs.
I’m trying to be more mindful daily, and just take each day as it comes. I know things are only going to get harder/more complicated/busier when the baby arrives (see, we’re not idiots, we KNOW…) I think it’s important to find beauty in the small moments, and I’m still learning to be present. But I think that’s true of any stage of life!
Like at any other time of life – we are all surviving day to day, trying our best to be happy. Dragging ourselves through the hard times and out the other side. Find the beauty in the small moments, and try and feel whatever you feel without too much judgment. I have found it helpful to be there for my friends and lean into them too. Try and create a space surrounded by people we want our children to grow up around. That’s the attitude that I am going into my third and final (shittttt) trimester with, stay tuned for 3rd trimester reflections when I’ve finished work and I’m living my best heavily pregnant life!
PEACE, LOVE and thanks for reading! xx